Breaking Up

Things You Need to Know Parting Ways:

• Words have the power to wound. Choose them very carefully.

• Once said, unkind things are hard to take back.

• Maybe you both just did the best you could.

• When splitting possessions, if you give him some of the things he wants, he will give you some of the things you want.

• Remember you've loved and been intimate with this person.

• Regardless of the circumstances, you will feel like you've failed - this is natural because we all want so much for love to work for us.

• The unknown is scary but not as scary as becoming less to stay

• Give him the couch; you'll get a life. Nature abhors a vacuum. You will have everything you need.

• Remember you choose this relationship and now you are choosing to leave. You do not
have to make the relationship bad in order to go.

• Vulnerability keeps you from shutting down. Have boundaries, but keep your heart open.

I Know What to Do. I Just Have to Do It.

You really do not know what to do, because if you really knew what to do, you would have done it already. When you hear yourself say, "I know what to do - I just have to do it", tell yourself that saying that keeps you stuck.

You deceive yourself thinking that just because you understand something intellectually, you know it. But there is only one way to know something, anything, and that is to unequivocally know it with the inner self. When your own voice is loud and clear (all the other voices in your head are quiet), only then do you know.

Even though you may be scared, when you know what to do, you do it. You may be sad, in pain, but you are not confused, and that knowing elicits direct, swift action.

As long as you rationalize an undesirable situation so you can stay, you will never do what you need to do to leave.

I'd Say How I Feel, But It Would Hurt His Feelings.

If you don't tell him it will hurt his soul.

Each one of us has a right to know the truth. When you hide your feelings and tell yourself it is because you are protecting him, you are deceiving yourself.

We all need to make decisions based on good information and when you purposely keep that hidden from the other person; you are being narcissistic and manipulative.

Now you may tell yourself (and your friends) that you are sparing him heartache, but the truth is you are sparing yourself. Something in you knows that if you say how you feel, something might change, and you are not yet ready to make a move. You are so afraid of disturbing the status quo that you convince yourself you are doing something noble by not sharing your feelings.

But real relationships have honor and dignity. We need to want the same thing for someone else that we want for ourselves; and if we are honest, we want to know the truth.

So, regardless of how scared you are, speak gently from the heart. This is what loving is all about.

Now Is Not a Good Time to Talk. I'll Wait Until Later.

The moment you think now is not a good time to talk; it's best to start talking pretty soon. Saying these words signals a time of fruition, a ripe moment when things have come to the surface, and if you start giving yourself reasons why another time is better, you are partitioning a life that is naturally connected and whole. Once you do this, things close across the board.

Scared, you tell yourself you have to wait until he is relaxed, the children have gone to bed, and the bills have been paid. A button has been pushed and you are overwhelmed with feelings. You say whatever you need to say to convince yourself that now is not the right time. But if it were not, you would not be so consumed with the need to push these feelings away.

So, you speak.

This does not mean you scream your demands, but rather you find a way to say how you feel. You do not need an immediate answer. All that is required is the desire to feel right rather than be right.

I'll Move Out... as Soon as I Have Enough Money.

How much is enough and do you have a plan for getting what you need? If you do not know exactly how much you will need to leave and you do not have a specific plan for getting it, your staying or leaving has nothing to do with money.

You are right in assuming things will be different if and when you leave - but that is what happens when things change. If you are afraid to go, you will cling to any reason for staying and money is as good as any. But when you want to leave, really want to leave, something more than money motivates you.

Knowing what you need always buys you more than money could buy.

Unless I Hear All the Details, I Can't Move on.

The reason you can't move on is because you are listening to all the details.

To make the assumption that the more "facts" you gather, the closer you will be to the truth, is not correct.

Wanting to know all the details is different than knowing the truth. Unlike the details, the truth is not compulsive. When we hear what we need to hear, we do not need to hear it over and over again. There is a resolute quality to the truth - we can live with it even though it hurts. Once heard, it is enough.

This is different than being tortured by details!

If you are honest with yourself, you will admit that every hard won detail makes you feel the same as every other - badly. Hearing the same old story over and over again is an addiction. It is a form of self-abuse that will keep you stuck, and you will never have a chance to do it right.

Exercise 4 - The Match Game

There is no limit to the amount of times you can be in a relationship and break-up. The universe is infinite and does not care how long it takes you to 'get it'. It is best to learn lessons quickly while you still look good in your clothes.

Every time you hear yourself say, "I don't know why I was with him - it was never a match," tell yourself it was a good match for the time you were together.

Example: She says he is incapable of intimacy and that she wants it. She has been complaining about this for three years. This is a good match. Neither one really wants real closeness. If she did, she would have left already.

The "match game" helps you take responsibility for your actions so that you do not make the same mistakes twice. It keeps you from being a victim and blaming others. Most important, it gives you new knowledge about yourself going forward.

Reward 4: Go Out with Friends - Have Fun! You Never Know What Might Happen!

When a relationship ends, we often are confused and angry. The more we try to convince ourselves it was a bad match, the longer it takes it heal. Moving on is only possible when we take responsibility for all our relationships, even the ones that ostensibly make no sense. We admit our mistakes, know we chose then and most importantly, know we will choose differently in the future.

Once this occurs, we have a real opportunity for something new and healthy.

So go out - have some fun! Nothing is more attractive than a confident woman. You may not know exactly what you want, but you sure know what you don't want. You do not have to worry if someone will find you interesting or appealing; you will pull to you your match just like you did before - only this time it will be different.

Knowing you have the power to walk away as well as walk towards - take the place by storm!

from TRASHtionalizations (How to Stop Believing Your Own Excuses and Have a Real Relationship) Copyright Chandra Alexander

Article Source: http://www.wahm-articles.com

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