Marriage Counseling Won't Help If You Try To Change Your Spouse

Here is a letter I received from someone who read one of my blogs

Dear Paul,

It is true that one ought not to adopt the role of a teacher...that would not be appropriate in a relationship...one wants to love and be loved…

However, I am not convinced why we should avoid trying to help each other grow. Certainly one should not aim at upsetting another by pointing out their flaws to them, nevertheless, one can help oneself and one's partner to grow out of weaknesses, by TALKING and COMMUNICATING...turning a blind eye is not a constructive option...

One aspect of loving is to help our partners grow… Of course only if they want to... I certainly do not support the approach where one avoids dealing with one's own sensitivities first, I neither concur to the notion that one should be silent on the other's weaknesses... at the end of the day, mutual love includes the endeavor for mutual growth... while not being a teacher but a lover!

My Answer

Dear Patty,

I admire your own desire for personal growth. It stands out very clearly. Let me start my response by acknowledging there are no absolutes in this world. There is no end to the variety of individual personalities and complicated associations. I would never dream of telling you what you must or must not do; it is always your choice in the beginning, middle and end. The last thing I wish to do is impose any rule upon you and yet I wish to share with you, as best as I am able to, those things which have proven themselves time and again.

As a human being I have limitations I am not aware of. One day I was riding in beautiful Arizona with my spiritual counselor, I asked him to tell me what my greatest flaw was. He said no, that I wouldn't listen. I pestered him until he finally agreed to tell me. However, he wouldn't tell me right away, but said he would tell me when we reached a mountain peak that was about 20 minutes away. I used that time wisely by telling my mind over and over again not to get defensive. I know how the mind works and I knew my mind would not want to hear that which it was not ready to hear. I had the opportunity to have a saint's perspective on my worst flaw and I didn't want to blow it. For 20 minutes my mantra was, "Just listen, don't say a word." When we finally reached the spot, I said, "OK Brother, what's my flaw?" No sooner did he get it passed his lips, then I said... "But!"... And that was it. I couldn't even remember what he said. No matter how I begged him after that he wouldn't tell me. To this day I have no idea what he said.

When we are close to somebody we see things others do not. We see things that are beautiful that most people miss, and we see things that are not so beautiful. One of the key requirements (and I use that term "requirement" with all seriousness) for a happy marriage is respect. Is it not respectful to avoid pointing out others weaknesses? If someone had a broken arm it would just be mean to ask them to help you move a piano because it would illustrate the temporary flaw of the broken arm. If a person did not have great intelligence, and you knew it, you would never ask them to do something that required the use of great intelligence because it would only hurt them as they tried to please you but could not. Nor is it nice to point out a person's psychological or emotional flaw for the same reasons.

The flaws we see in others may be 'spot on' accurate perceptions. Furthermore, if the person would lose that particular flaw it would be incredible in terms of relieving some of their burden. Most flaws are not so easily removed, and what we see is only the tiny plant flaw supported by the myriad root flaws beneath the surface. The focus and energy required to remove even small flaws is great and the person may not be ready, not out of a lack of desire, but for other reasons not easily described. In that case, when a flaw is pointed out, it can do more harm than good by making the person self-conscious or defensive.

On the other hand speaking of things in a general manner, goals and aspirations for oneself can be inspiring for the other. It is by inspiration, or pain that an individual is prodded towards their own self improvement. In the special relationship of marriage keeping the goal of harmony and support uppermost in your mind will assure you have a wonderful marriage. That is why I suggest people choose to be inspirations by their own examples rather than critics who may wish to help, but end up hurting the most important person in their life.

I do hope I have not offended your sense of what is correct by my explanation and that it is of some use to you. If I don't hear from you before I wish you, your family and close ones a very happy new year.

In Friendship,

Paul

Article Source: http://www.wahm-articles.com

I wrote Lessons For A Happy Marriage to help people save their troubled marriage and end the marriage crisis in our country; it's about saving children. Let's stop divorce. The problems go beyond the failures of marriage counselors. My life's mission is to eradicate the need for divorce through focused education. If you're married, tell your soul mate, "I love you."

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