To Leave or To Stay

Things You Need to Know Staying and Leaving:

• Staying and leaving must never be conditional.
• You need to stay when that is where you want to be and you need to leave when you know it's time to move on.
• Leaving only frees you if you are free before you leave.
• When you want to run and instead stay, you are often rewarded with something good and unexpected.
• We love the most the ones that stay.
• Always leave with dignity.... for who you are at this moment and who you are going forward.
• Remember you've loved and been intimate with this person.
• If you leave as a victim, it is not the time to go.
• Know that for the time you were together it was a match.
• Only leave when you are certain you will not repeat the same stuff.

Being with Someone Is Better than Being Alone.

There is really only one good reason to be with anyone - you feel good being around that person and you want that feeling to continue. The minute you choose out of fear rather than love, you stop loving.

Being alone is bittersweet, part of the human condition, but the loneliness of pretending to love is poison. It contaminates all that it touches and shuts our hearts so that we don't feel. Without feeling, we go through the motions but there is hollowness in all that we do.

Being with someone, "anyone," is not better than being alone. Being alone has integrity and honors the heart. It sends a message to the universe that says, "I will not give in to my fears. I am open and ready for love."

He's Not a Good Husband, But He's a Good Father.

It is a wonderful thing to be a good father and certainly, when you have children to think about, an important component of a relationship. But a loving father does not a loving husband make.

You are living your life with this man as his wife. You cannot trade his good deeds as a father for his inability to be a good husband.

Acknowledging your unhappiness is the beginning. Do not feel that you have to immediately do something drastic. It is enough now to know that status quo is not enough and that you are willing to do something different. The biggest change you can make is to feel; vulnerability leads to openness and openness invites a new beginning.

When you stop denying your feelings, you know what you need and start asking for it.

I Wish I Felt More Passionate, But Passion Diminishes over Time.

This is absolutely not what happens. The true nature of passion is increase, i.e., it feeds on itself. To feel passion, you must be passion. A passionate relationship thrives in wide-open spaces; the moment either of you close, passion diminishes.

At the beginning of a relationship there is innocence; we rush towards each other unaware that the proximity may waken sleeping demons. Face to face with our stuff, we are scared and vulnerable. The unconscious has become conscious and now we get to make a choice: Do we blame the other person for our discomfort, or do we accept what is ours and deal with it?

It takes courage to feel these uncomfortable feelings. If you chose to deny them, (the reasons you give yourself do not matter) your heart will close; and the price you pay will be your passion.

So, be brave. When you want to blame, don't, and when you want to run, stay. Staying connected to what's real keeps you open and keeps the juices flowing. This is the key to a passionate relationship.

He Says I'm the Best Thing That Has Ever Happened to Him, but He Doesn't Want an Exclusive Relationship.

Now you may be the cat's meow, but if he doesn't want a committed relationship with you and that's what you want, he probably is not the guy for you. You cannot make a man want you? Either he does or he doesn't and when he does, you are not confused, and he certainly is not.

Women don't give men enough credit - they are really pretty smart and very adept at getting what they want. Men are naturally proprietary and instantly focus on the goal once they know where they want to go. A man who thinks you are the best thing going wants to tie it up. He doesn't want competition - he wants you all to himself. He doesn't need you to suggest, or worse demand, a commitment.

An exclusive relationship happens naturally. You know you are the best thing that's ever happened to him, not because he tells you, but because he makes you feel that every day.

I'm Really Not Happy, But I'll Just Let Some Time Pass and See What Happens.

It is important to understand that time is both formless and neutral, and does nothing but pass. Things do not get better with time. The greater probability is that your situation will become worse if what you currently have is not good. And that is because, left alone, things naturally become more of what they already are. That means that if you continue doing the same things, you will get the same results.

Everything has momentum; nothing stays the same. By the time you realize you are "not happy", there is a history, a backlog of images and feelings that have brought you to this place. In other words, the hard wiring is set and has a life of its own. This accumulation of energy has mass and speed and is moving in a particular direction. If ignored, it continues to accelerate.

Pushing these unpleasant feelings away never works. It's like saying, "Don't think of a monkey!" (What are you thinking of now?) The more you push against something, the bigger it becomes.

There is only one way for things to be different - you need to do something other than what you have been doing. And if you have been ignoring your feelings, you need to stop. Simply by feeling, you shift directions and halt the forward momentum. Now, you have a real opportunity to make time work for you.

Exercise 3 - Zip It and Stop Telling Everyone Your Story.

I am sure there is not one thing you can say that you have not already said. You keep telling your story over and over again to gain consensus for your point of view - this behavior is about being right, not feeling right. Regardless of how abusive your story might be, it is self-abuse to keep telling it. The more you tell it, the more you feel like a victim and the more hard-wired it becomes. Repeating your story adds energy to the dysfunction. As it gathers momentum, it further cements what doesn't work.

The discipline is to talk only to your mate and no one else (except a professional).

Reward 3: Softness and Power

If you have really stopped calling and complaining to all who will listen, and have succeeded in putting a lid on the repetitive and incessant chatter, you will instantly feel the difference.

Talking only to your mate brings its own reward. Rather than having to prove your point, which makes you hard, you listen; and feel soft.

An amazing thing happens when you stop the compulsive babble and start listening - you hear things you have never heard before (even though they have been said), and you are open to learning new things about yourself. Suddenly, you feel empowered as this process re-connects you to what's real - you are no longer in your head, talking about what is wrong; you are present, doing something about it.

Softness and power - it doesn't get much better than this!

Chapter 3 from TRASHtionalizations (How to Stop Believing Your Own Excuses and Have a Real Relationship) Copyright 2002 Chandra Alexander

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